hey(:
just realsied, being a sec 4 is super scary. on the first day, all the teachers jsut walked in and were like,"girls youn dont have much time....this is not your honeymoon year....have to buck up" the usual lectures. and eveybody's face was like solemn. i havent got in to the studying mood yet, but i seriously hope that i'll get that soon.

and i kinda realised that i have to start my emath from scratch. or else, i dont think i can even get a B for the o levels. gosh!

mum told me something today. its something, something i have been trying to put aside, to just ignore. but i dont understand why, its always coming back, always haunting me. i thought i lost it, but then of course, i couldnt be even more wrong. mum showed me the files, shwoed me the truth of many years, showed me the reason why i was fat, showed me ......many things i guess.

i just wish i can out that out and away. i dont want anything to affect my studies this year. distractions i can handle, i can control. but a toll on my health, i cant control.

and then she said the worst thing. the worst. i may be leavin the country to seek help somewhere else. mum said that maybe thats the best option. she said to her, me being alive is more important than anything, including the Os. but some how, i have this oddd feeling, that whichever part of the world i go to, i cnt put away that one thing.

i cant blame my mum. she doesnt want me to be living on pain killers my whole life. she doesnt want me to die of liver or kidney failure, whihc is her's and my doctor's biggest worry. but hey!, neither do i, you know. but i dont e4xactly jsut want to leave everything over here like that, my sis, brother and dad will be here. and ill be away from them, with just my mum, for 5 years? the thought jsut sucks badly. and leaving singapore would mean, leaving home, crescent, red cross and my whole life here. i cant bear to think about it, but somehow i know its the obvious truth. and sometimes life can jsut be soo unfair. to not just me, but to almost everybody around me.